Translation error uncovered (FAKE NEWS)

A cross-disciplinary research effort by a number of professors at the University of Colorado-Boulder and Colorado State University has uncovered a surprising mistake in the translation of the Arapaho language. The Arapaho word “niwot” or “nowoo3” in the Hinono’ei language, which has long been thought to mean “left-hand,” turns out to instead be correctly translated as “right-hand.”

A similar (but never corrected) error occurred in the middle ages when priests were told to be “celibate” when later research showed the original Greek word turned out to be correctly translated as “celebrate.”

Forensic pathologists at CSU recently discovered a genetic anomaly within Chief Niwot’s Western Arapaho people that caused the majority of them to be left-handed. Kit Ridge, an archaeo-linguist at CU-Boulder, attended a conference at which the CSU professors presented their findings.

“We had never really determined that Chief Niwot was left-handed,” Ridge said. “We only knew that he was given the name “Niwot” or “Ni-woo3” [pronounced Nawath] because he had an abnormally dominant hand. Our natural assumption was that it was his Left Hand, but as is often the case when white men try to tell the Arapaho story, we got it wrong.” Using archival photos, and returning to a closer inspection of the known elements of the Arapaho language, Ridge discovered the translation error.

To more closely align with the region’s heritage, this newspaper will now be re-named the Right Hand Valley Courier. Boulder County officials are reportedly planning to rename several natural features, including Left Hand Canyon and Left Hand Creek. The same discussion is being had by various area businesses and organizations, such as Left Hand Brewing Company and Left Hand Grange.

The Niwot Cultural Arts Association has called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do with all the painted left-hand chairs around town. The NCAA’s Amy Pastle, Michelle Hansel and Gretel,