Put your ^&#%@*! glasses on

ATTENTION FARSIGHTED PEOPLE OF AMERICA – Wear Your $%!&*^% Glasses.

Who do you think you're fooling? No one. And you are doing nothing but aggravating all the people who either can see or who actually wear their glasses. Take a hint; it is easier to see, read, dial a phone rather than fumbling around either looking for glasses or making up excuses as to why you're not wearing them.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I wear glasses, although I can whip them off faster than a speeding bullet at the sight of a camera. But, as I'm constantly being reminded, the farsighted have no problem seeing, most of the time. So why do I always seem to be around them during those other times?

Case in point – I was grocery shopping with a friend when she suddenly did a double take after spying some "cosmic potato chips." Since she was hungry, it sounded interesting. Upon closer investigation, and since I was actually wearing my glasses, I discovered that the item in question was actually a "cosmic photo clip." Close, but no cigar.

Men, is it worth the humiliation of wearing your wife's glasses with hot pink frames to see a menu in a dimly lit restaurant? I think not.

After talking to my friend Sadie, I realized what a crisis all of this farsightedness can lead to. Poor Sadie, last March she came home after a hard day of soccer and softball carpooling to find her still unshaven husband gazing aimlessly out the window. After a quick survey of the man's face, she asked him two very pertinent questions.

1. Had he eaten leftover spaghetti for lunch?
2. Had he left the house after said lunch?

After receiving an affirmative answer to both questions, all Sadie could do was shudder. For there in the glow of the setting sun, Sadie could clearly see a bright tomato red dribble line, which had traveled from his lower lip all the way down to his Adam's apple.

What she didn't realize was that the shudder was premature, because later that night after watching a movie, Sadie realized that the house was unusually chilly. When she mentioned this to Sam she was told that, because it had been so warm during the day, he had turned the heat off.

When Sadie flipped the thermostat cover open, she noticed that not only had the heat been turned off, but that the air conditioning had been turned on. This had clearly not been a good day for the presbyopic.

What is the problem with wearing glasses? I know women who have no compunction being completely gray and men who have long ago come to terms with being bald, but still balk at wearing glasses. I just don't get it, especially when there are such practical solutions to this problem.

Peeper Keepers - Long the realm of librarians, peeper keepers come in a wide variety of chains and cords, which keep your glasses close at hand by dangling them from your neck. While some male types refuse to wear them, others have finally succumbed. One friend, Terry, has a very rugged, leather set-up. This is good because, since he is a contractor, he can actually see to measure twice and cut once.

Variation On a Theme- For those who just can't bring themselves to actually buy a pair of Keepers, there is always the tried-and-true plunk the earpiece of the glasses through the neck of your shirt. Tacky, but handy.

The Hipster - Believe it or not, there are those middle-agers who have taken a lesson from the Gen Xs and Ys. There isn't anyone who doesn't have a cellphone attached to some part of his/her anatomy. One enterprising friend, Mick, had his glasses in a nifty cell phone type case attached to his pocket. When I asked him about it he stated, "I wear my glasses at work all day. I used to leave them there when I went home. But I was used to seeing. This way I can keep seeing."

The Peep Hole­ - This, the most ingenious solution, actually allows the farsighted some relief from being "four eyed" and is especially good for reading fortune cookies. Using the same principle as the pinhole camera, the subject curls up the index finger of his Left Hand until there is only a small hole between the lower knuckle and the fleshy part of the hand, just above the thumb, through which he can peer. Then, with the right hand, he moves said fortune back and forth trombone-style until the eye can focus.

This method accomplishes two things. First, it allows the reader to make out more of the words in the fortune and second, it provides much entertainment for other diners as they listen to the stuttering, halting and often misconstrued words while reading the fortune.

There is no substitute for wearing your glasses. But if you think wearing your glasses is too embarrassing, or if you think it makes you look too old, consider the image of ordering cosmic potato chips with a spaghetti chaser while wearing hot pink frames and a fortune cookie for dessert.

Believe me, you're not fooling anyone. Bon appétit.