It's A Laughing Matter

We live in an age of instant communication. Need to talk to a friend halfway around the world? Between instant messaging, texting and twittering no problemo. But for those of us who live in a small town, how much has all this technology really changed things?

I contend, not much. People have always talked whether it was around the pickle barrel in the general store, on a party line or over the backyard fence. If there's a juicy piece of gossip, you know that it's going to spread in a nano second even if you must use string and tin cans.

And all of this was long before "Gossip Girl" ever hit the airwaves.

In the vein of everything that's old is new again, here are a few hints as to how you know you live in a small town.

Disclaimer: Let it be known that not all the references, situations or instances stated here actually have happened to me and/or my family. While some do depict incidents that have happened to us, which is often alluded to as "Courier Gold" by one particular offspring, many of the enumerated ­­­­­­­­­­­­examples described here were collected from other friends and acquaintances. Any persons, past or present, who have or continue to reside in said household who don't believe me, should move, posthaste, to another small town of his or her choosing.

You know you live in a small town when...

1. You receive a call informing you that your offspring is standing up through the sunroof of a friend's car on the way home from school.

2. You receive a second call, 67 seconds later, from another friend, informing you that said offspring is now mooning a carload of girls.

3. Two complete strangers start a conversation on a ski lift and discover that they both know a woman who wears a lot of black and red and that woman is you.

4. After your first ever ride down the slopes courtesy of a ski patrol sled, you discover that one of the ski patrol is your husband's volleyball partner.

5. As listed in the Saturday newspaper, you know at least half the people who are selling houses.

6. As listed in the Saturday newspaper, you know a quarter of the people buying houses,

7. You know how much those houses originally sold for.

8. Having the secure feeling that your kids will behave themselves, because you know there is another woman who looks just like you and drives the exact same car, so that you can literally be on both sides of town at the same time.

9. You take three hours at the grocery store when you just need a gallon of milk, because you keep running into friends who have important "information" you need to know.

10. One of those friends is your interior designer, who allows you to finalize the type of sink, tile color and lighting fixture for the upcoming kitchen remodel, all while picking out the best tomatoes.

11. Your mother, you and your kids all had the same kindergarten teacher.

12. You must think before speaking because you were told, "Don't say anything, but...".

13. Watching your husband "sweat" at his high school reunion when he tries to make conversation with his old girlfriend.

14. Having two girlfriends click in on call waiting at the same time with the same bit of gossip,

15. You watch your ex-high school boyfriend walk his daughter down the aisle with two of his three ex-wives in attendance and you're friends with all of them.

16. A woman you pass on the street recognizes you, not from the neighborhood, the gym or the grocery store, but from when you were her student teacher her senior year in high school.

17. As a child, you ran away to Grandma's house, which was three doors down the block.

18. You hear a hilarious story at a party about some woman trying to park a gas-guzzling, non-PC SUV, and it's you and your car they're talking about.

19. The two people you see walking three dogs big enough to be horses are actually walking two dogs and one miniature horse.

20. Your kids complain, "I can't go anywhere without someone knowing you!"

21. Your pharmacists asks, "The usual?"

So, if you want to save some money on your communication expenses, but still need information to travel at warp speed, move to a small town. While the general store and its pickle barrel have gone the way of the party line, you can still find plenty of tin cans in the recycle bin. I'll provide the string.