Let's Talk About...Banquette Étiquette

Ok. You know sometimes when you go out to dinner, you are pleasantly hungry, and looking forward to some good conversation, good food and some one-on-one time? You walk in, the host smiles and says, "Right this way," and then you find yourself heading for the dreaded "banquette."

You know, that place they seat you when all the cozy booths and intimate tables are occupied? The place where you sit painfully close to the people next to you, along a sound amplifying wall like a string of dominoes. You see it coming, the restaurant host is leading you to that long line of tables against the wall linked by one long bench? Oh no.

You came for a quiet dinner, and you end up feeling like you are at a medieval banquet hall, except without the mead.

Here's the thing. You can't help but notice everything your co-banquette dwellers are eating, drinking and, most importantly, saying.

Whether you want to or not.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is boundaries. Personal space.

Apparently, some people haven't noticed that they are sitting as close to you as they would be in the front seat of a '57 Chevy.

Hey, I can hear you! I can see you!

I know it's not your fault we are all smashed together. But I want to hear my own conversation, not just yours. And you undoubtedly don't want to hear mine. Probably.

Now, I am all for the popular "community table" concept. But I have to kind of get psyched up for that. At a community table, you expect to talk to a bunch of strangers, and maybe make a friend. But in this case, you have to pretend you can't hear or see the person on the bench seat next to you. This is where the rubber hits the road.

So, let's talk about "banquette etiquette."

Some ground rules:

• No loud talking

• No "F" words (and I don't mean words like "Fun" or "Fine")

•No dumb stuff

• No eye contact

• No commenting on or joining in your neighbors' conversation

•No crying

Yeah, no crying. It happens. Often.

Like when I walk into a restaurant and all the cozy booths are taken...