Niwot Elementary chosen for new pilot program

Niwot Elementary School was honored April 1 when the school was chosen among dozens of applicants to pilot a new program for fifth graders. The program will combine elements of geography, physics, astronomy, hydrology, metaphysics and astrophysics to help students learn about the Flat Earth Theory which explains why the earth is, in fact, flat.

The Flat Earth Theory, commonly known as the Flatulence Theory, has a long history dating back more than two thousand years, and is based upon the celebrated Zetetic Method of scientific inquiry. In contrast to the amorphous "scientific method" which uses concepts like "hypotheses" and "empirical data," the Zetetic Method encourages people to use their own observations and senses to understand complex phenomena.

"This is a gas!" exclaimed fifth-grade teacher Max Doubter when he learned about the new Flatulence program. "I can't believe I get to teach Flat Earth Theory. It's one of my favorite theories, next to the staged moon landing." Mr. Doubter's enthusiasm was echoed by school district Assistant Superintendent for Sudoscience Howie Noclu.

"The school district has been trying for years to expand educational opportunities for our elementary students," ASS Noclu said. "Our high school students are already benefiting from innovative programs on the cutting edge. Just last year, our biology classes added modules on spontaneous generation and phrenology and we're hoping to add astrology to our astronomy class."

The decision to add the program is not without controversy. "I'm not sure what kind of grass these folks have been grazing on," said C.R. Potts, a Niwot parent. "It sounds like a lot of hot air to me. I cannot imagine why we are teaching our children Flat Earth Theory when there are so many more important theories for our kids to learn. We should be focusing on local issues like teaching about the Illuminati and their headquarters at DIA."

The new program is funded by a grant from the Florida-based nonprofit You Can Say, which has as its mission "to promote classroom instruction and discussion of alternative facts." The new program will feature friends of distinction from a variety of prestigious organizations including The Flat Earth Society, Noah's Ark Institute, and the Tweed Jacket Consortium.

Niwot Elementary School Principal Norma Pizza said, "We are honored to be selected for this pilot program and hope to expand it to all elementary grades in the coming years."

At the conclusion of the class, each student will receive their own model of a disc shaped earth and a T-shirt proclaiming, "The Earth is Flat."