Let's Talk About...Boundaries

Ok. My daughter once told me that to make friends, you should always say "yes" to invitations and overtures.

I thought that was very good advice. And it is. Of course, until it isn't.

Saying "yes" is something many of us do constantly. Do you want to have lunch? Will you stay late after work? Will you work this weekend? Will you join the parent teacher organization at school? Will you be the president?

At some point, you must have some boundaries. They must be clear and respected. But first you must figure out what they are. Where is your line in the sand?

For me, it is skydiving.

But let's review. What are "boundaries?"

Well, there are physical boundaries and personal boundaries.

Physical boundaries are easier to identify. You know the edge of a tennis court or basketball court because the boundaries are clearly marked. If you go over the line, you are out.

The limit line on the road in front of a stop light is a boundary we all must respect and trust each other to respect.

Your home probably sits on a piece of property that abuts your neighbor's property. You know how you know where that border is? It is where the grass changes height, perhaps color and in my case, health. That is because you and your neighbor respect that boundary and only mow your own side.

How about your trash? You discarded your trash because you don't want it anymore so is it ok for your neighbor to go through your trash? That's a hard no. Those boundary lines get a little hazy, but we know they are still there.

You probably know when you cross the border from Finland into Russia. But except for a sign, do you really know when you leave Colorado and enter Nebraska? Not really. Some boundaries are clearer than others.

How about "my side of the bed" or someone standing too close? How do you feel about people cutting in line? That is not respecting boundaries.

What about personal boundaries? Houseguests come to mind.

A good rule of thumb when identifying personal boundaries is to acknowledge what is okay with you versus what is not okay with you.

Boundaries should be identified, communicated and enforced. Which means you should respect your own boundaries and expect others to do the same. Conversely, shouldn't we then respect others' boundaries too?

We can identify the personal requirement of eight hours sleep which results in a boundary of not letting anything keep you up past 10 p.m. That can mean turning off the TV before the show is over and turning out the light. How do you and others feel about leaving a meeting early because you have a doctor's appointment? How about a hair appointment?

I might tell my co-workers I don't work weekends (a legitimate boundary). But if I work weekends anyway, that is not a boundary.

The issue is getting both yourself and others to respect those boundaries. And living with the consequences.

I respect that people set limits or boundaries on their time. However, if your need to get your eight hours of sleep or to feed the dog at 4 p.m. means you cut our time together short or, worse, cancel our plans altogether, then as much as I respect your boundaries, my own boundaries tell me you aren't going to be invited anymore. Because boundaries work both ways.

On the other hand, your work-free weekend boundary might result in working late at night, thereby violating your equally important eight-hour-sleep-boundary. Or it may preclude you from getting a promotion or being treated as a dedicated "part of the team." That's when boundaries might become a bit of a cage.

Similarly, keeping strict boundaries might also result in keeping people at bay. If I don't say "yes" to invitations because I have to be in bed at 10 p.m., I might never meet that new friend my daughter was talking about.

Stretching a boundary now and then might just make the difference between a co-worker and a friend. Are you in or are you out?

Who knew it was so complicated?

What I do know is I won't jump out of an airplane, I won't tolerate being bullied (I say that, but I am an easy mark), and I need a king-sized bed in my Airbnb.

I also know for certain that a parent's love knows no boundaries.