Let's Talk About...Dress Codes

Ok. I am confused by dress codes. They can be problematic because there is no consistent rulebook.

We recently received a wedding invitation that said "semi formal." I thought that was pretty straightforward. Semi formal seems to me to mean men in suits and women in cocktail dresses.

I am so wrong.

After attending a couple of "semi formal" events, I realize that today, "semi formal" means simply "not formal." Basically, I think it means that you can wear anything you want, except a tuxedo.

If that is the case, then what do all the other dress code "codes" mean?

Let's unpack this vernacular.

Let's start with "casual."

Soon after moving to Colorado, we attended an outdoor Boulder barbeque where we didn't really know anyone. The hostess said it was "casual." I thought, "Great, I will wear linen shorts, a matching vest and sandals." Cute, right? My husband wore something like khakis and a polo.

We were both completely overdressed.

It turned out "casual" in that context meant "come as you are." In other words, come in whatever you might wear to wash your car.

Cargo shorts, t-shirts, flip flops were everywhere. And we looked completely out of place.

"Casual" clothes outside of the dress code context, to me, are what you wear to run errands, go to the doctor and go to school. However, I never imagined that going anywhere in casual clothes included pajamas.

I just attended a rehearsal dinner that was labeled "casual nice." I wondered if that simply means you wear your nicest cargo shorts and a clean t-shirt.

It used to be that "casual nice" or "smart casual" meant pants other than blue jeans, a crisp button-down shirt for men and a jacket for everyone.

Well, it turns out, "casual nice" seems to mean that clothes can "be old but never are they dirty." I saw everything at that rehearsal dinner from sweats to dresses. Men tended to wear anything from jeans to cotton pants and women just wore whatever they liked. Jeans generally weren't ripped, however.

Then comes "business casual." How that is different from "casual nice" is a bit of a mystery. It used to be that you would dress up a bit for work. So "business casual" connoted a step up on the casual scale.

That meant a sports coat and maybe a tie for men, a pantsuit or skirt/dress for women. Well, now that everyone works from home, there is a whole new meaning to "business" in the "business casual" sense. Basically, an unbuttoned button-down shirt for men with a t-shirt underneath and pretty much anything works for women.

It is only when you hit "formal" that things really change.

It used to be "formal" meant a tuxedo for men and a long dress (dare I say "gown?") for women. To be clear, "long dress" in this category does not translate to "sundress" or "maxi dress." Rather it means a dress or suit that makes a statement, with appropriate polished footwear. "Statement" here means "important." Like you have respect for the occasion.

Today, "formal" basically means no jeans. A suit is best, but a coat and tie are acceptable. Women can pull out all the stops as long as whatever they choose is not too short or too tight.

Then there is "black tie" and "white tie," but I think those are dinosaurs.

Here is my takeaway.

Things have certainly changed.

But as long as you dress with respect for the occasion, you can't go wrong. And women can just about wear anything they like. But perhaps rethink the pajamas.