Let's Talk About...Hotel Reviews

Ok. It's that vacation planning time of year.

After figuring out the when and the where of your trip, you inevitably find yourself swiping Tripadvisor trying to find the perfect hotel or Airbnb to settle in for five days away from the luxuries and familiarity of home. Location, amenities, size, and local food options all factor into this daunting task.

As any seasoned traveler would tell you, ratings are not always helpful. Why do the Travelodge and the Four Seasons have the same rating? A five-star review doesn't mean five stars to all people.

Keep in mind, hotel reviews are often written by people who don't want a bad review themselves.

It all comes down to what you are looking for and understanding the code.

My husband and I just spent a weekend for a "getaway in a cozy quaint historic inn with a view, filled with modern country charm."

That sounded perfect.

We should have gone on red alert.

For reference, in hotel review parlance, "getaway" means "in the middle of nowhere." "Cozy" means "small." "Quaint" means "old." And "view" means you can see something pretty if you hang your head out the window (if it opens at all) and look sideways. "Modern country charm" means the Wi-Fi only works in the lobby.

Just remember that 118 years ago, Niwot had a hotel called The Hotel Livingston on Second Avenue. Today that would be called a "historic inn" if it were still standing. Would you want to stay there today? I imagine only with some hefty remodeling.

The place we stayed at last weekend needed some of that hefty remodeling.

Let me unpack that a bit.

After lugging our very heavy suitcases up three flights of stairs, we were greeted by the cloying smell of Febreze in our room. I felt like I had just climbed into an Uber.

We discovered the window wouldn't stay open so we couldn't air it out.

The room itself managed to hold a double (!) bed, an end table and not much else. The only place to open the suitcase was on the floor between the bed and the bathroom. I tripped more than once.

The room had no heat or air conditioning, and you could hear every conversation in the building. And the bathroom door wouldn't close.

You get my drift.

So, let's crack the code of hotel reviews.

First, do not rely on any photos provided by the hotel or Airbnb. Taken with a wide-angle lens in the bridal suite, they always look spacious and inviting. Count how many electrical outlets you can spot. If it is under four, it is a pass.

Carefully check the photo of the bathroom. Are the countertops big enough for three toiletry bags? Are there two sinks? Can you see a minimum of four bath towels? How about Kleenex and Q-tips? Check for that wall-mounted magnifying mirror, as horrifying as that may be.

As for the reviews themselves, many say something like "We loved staying here. The room was lovely and used space well."

Translation: The room was tiny and if your suitcase is open, the door doesn't.

Similarly, if the review says, "We loved staying here. The room was clean, and it had a nice restaurant."

If "clean" and "nice" are the best the reviewer could come up with, move on.

"The bed was soft and comfy."

This means there was a divot in the middle. That is a hard no.

"The bathroom was well-appointed."

Really? I need specifics. I want to know if there is good water pressure (that is a deal breaker for me) and that the "well-appointed" hair dryer, if any, has some power. A weak warm wisp of breeze cannot dry my hair.

"Quiet, charming, romantic retreat."

Don't be surprised if it is remote (quiet), old (charming) and has a tiny bed (romantic).

Maybe I am overthinking this, but I would like to read that the windows open, and when you look out, you can see something other than a brick wall. I also need to know that the air conditioning is silent, and you can set the thermostat for any temperature you like. I would also like to know about the pillow situation.

If I am really being honest, I think every hotel room for two people should have two king size beds and two bathrooms.

So, evaluate your bare necessities. Crack the code. Then cross your fingers.

Good luck. Your perfect vacation depends on it.